How Do You Introduce Your Stripper Girlfriend to Mom?
So your new girlfriend is a stripper, dancer, exotic entertainer, circus freak or whatever you may want to call it. How do you introduce her to mom?
Love has no boundaries-especially when it is found upside down on a pole. So after some time you feel it is time to introduce her to mom. You know you are special, you have accepted her job as "pure entertainment" and her probation is almost complete. You undoubtedly have told your mother that you met someone and hopefully you told her you came across your soul mate while shopping for a mother's day card at Hallmark. Now how do you drop the "my girlfriend is a stripper" hammer on mom.
You must discuss the attire for the initial meet with your new boo. This has to be done in a delicate fashion. Nice to you means crotch-less to her. Tell her that your parents often keep the house chilly and she should wear long sleeves. This will help hide her tattoos and track marks and also lessen the chance that she will wear a low cut shirt which will have your little brother excusing himself to the bathroom 4 times during dinner. Explain to her that your father has a phobia about high. After that, just sit on the edge of the bed and nod your head as she comes out of her closet asking "is this too slurry?"
Discuss "the lie." Get your story straight. You were looking at cards for mother's day, she was looking at stuffed bears for flag-day. Make it believable and easy. Nobody will question her shopping for flag-day after they see her talk to the stuffed deer head on the wall for 3 minutes.
Now you have to come up with where she works. I am sure by now she told you she was a student and not just any student but something way over the top: lawyer, doctor, genetic engineer. Get her used to the term "liberal arts," tell her that means she will get a degree in fashion and go work for MTV. If asked what courses she is taking she is to say basic courses such as algebra, middle-east studies and drama; not math, social studies, art and gym.
Avoid sports as a topic of discussion. Her knowledge of sports will be based on how many lap dances she does after the Dolphins win, or who tips less basketball players or football players. Politics is a big No No. Keep it simple like you are having career day in elementary school. Avoid words that may be associated with sex or body parts.
Inevitably your mother will ask her about brothers and sisters. Her siblings will consist of more halves, quarters and steps than a recipe for vegetable stew. Just let her go with it and your mother will feel sorry for her and excuse the fact that she burped, farted and tied a piece of asparagus into a knot with her tongue.
Relax and just go with it. Everyone will love her and if they don't they will smile and tell you she is "spunky." Bring her around once in a while and when she is in rehab just say she is doing an internship at VH1. It may just work out and you and her will be sitting in a tree K-i-s-s-i-n-g , as long as you keep coming to the club and T-i-p-p-i-n-g.
I meet a lot of strippers, and they always say the same thing: "I'm paying my way through medical school." Now, if that's the truth, why is that you never meet a doctor that used to be a stripper? You'd think they'd be everywhere.
Nov 27, 2009